I inhale deeply through my nose and exhale with my tongue out, hissing like a tiger for which the practice is named. I’m in yoga class so it’s kosher; I went to calm the hate in my thoughts and speech. I went to open my heart which has been frozen and locked by the past 18 months. I saw my teacher a few days before at a political rally where we were filled with power and strength and hope, talking about making history. We met sad and broken, searching for healing, seeking a new beginning.
Wednesday morning felt so wrong: defeated, deflated and broken. We have inflicted a war of shock and awe upon ourselves, upon the progress of inclusivity over the past 8 years. Even the winning side is spewing. Racist comments posted on college campuses and car windshields and facebook confirm what some of us feared all along: hate lurks close to the surface. We have elected a president who not only confirms our worst side but gives license and courage to air the hate. I have the same feelings.
It felt good to scream f*ck and bang my head against the steering wheel. It felt right to run and cry and hyperventilate. I wanted to turn to bourbon and junk food and snide comments on facebook and all the immediate escapes that validate. They feel so good going down. Fear has an ugly face and it can be covered quickly. Just ask the KKK why they continue to wear hoods-they will be in Pelham, NC on December 3 to celebrate Trump’s victory. The problem is, the fixes don’t last. Because they don’t really fix. They cover.
As reality unfolded and the sadness seeped in, I sifted through my own rubble, the side of me that is tired and hates. I am tired of being less than because of my gender. Tired of fighting for equality despite a law passed in 1971. Tired of less money for the same work. Tired of being told I am not allowed to make my own medical decisions. Tired of being interrupted and hushed and perfect and nice and calm. I am tired of being pretty and strong and accepting second place as enough. I am tired of asking to be seen. Lindy West said it perfectly; the tears were present before the loss because I thought we had finally arrived.
I thought of Mr. Rogers and my mother today. These two teachers calm children when the unknown brings fear. When a child is scared by the sound of a siren, these two say “that is the sound of helpers, going to fix the problem”. There will always be sirens. There will always be hate and poverty and hunger. And while hate and fear live, so do love and good and hope. I have been looking for grace and goodness. And I am finding it. Nature and art. Yoga and tea and homemade soup. We have work to do. I hope Trump can do his job. Because I am going to keep doing mine.
notyourpreacherswife 
Posted by MOM on November 12, 2016 at 4:05 pm
special as usual – have missed your writings! Somehow, putting thoughts into words and then into actions helps our digestion of things that aren’t quite what should be happening to move forward. P.S. making soup today also 🙂
Posted by notyourpreacherswife on November 12, 2016 at 4:13 pm
SHARE IT on Facebook!
Posted by Mary on November 12, 2016 at 6:41 pm
Excellent writing as always. Your views are shared and felt amoung many of us who adore your writing!
Posted by snowconenyc on November 13, 2016 at 3:10 am
Great post. Feel the same same way although as a white educated male from NYC the results don’t have the immediate and direct slap in the face as they do to other racial, ethnic and gender groups (to name just a few of the groups he so consistently looks down upon).
Just keep fighting. I think his presidency is going to be worse than what we imagine based upon what I know of him and his personality type. His arrogance, ignorance and lack of empathy will simply be emboldened by last weeks results. We’ll have to wait and see how bad a mess he leaves for his successor, although the good news is he’ll probably do so much damage domestically and internationally that there will be a huge liberal backlash afte. I’m just concerned as to just how much damage he can do in the meantime.
Dark times. Although if you live in a blue state your governor and/or local politicians might be able to soften the blow of what are sure to be some ridiculous policies coming down the pike.
Regards
Posted by Jane Bass on November 13, 2016 at 10:51 am
Thank you for the honest assessment of how you feel. Ditto for me. I skipped yoga that day because I knew the class would be full of Trump supporters. Did my own practice and sulked and cried and wrote emails to friends. I am better now and, like you, I will keep fighting because it is what we do.